Be The Man For Change – Ben Porchuk

Entering a blended family as a parent isn’t always easy. Add in multiple careers, kids of different ages, interests and birth parents, and it can be downright daunting.
The key is focusing on acceptance, said Ben Porchuk, our Lead Dad of the Week from London, Ontario. He has been making it work for the better part of 20 years. He has four kids total, one from his first marriage and the other three were his second wife’s children when they met. Add in his wife’s first husband, who is still part of the broader family structure.
“Our youngest was 1 or 2 when we got married, and she’s 20 now,” said Ben, who is known as ‘tato’ in the family, a Ukrainian word for father. “When she was young, she came home one day and said, ‘I’m really confused. All of these kids don’t have another dad.’ My wife and I just accept kids.”
Acceptance is an active emotion, and so, too, is self-reflection. Ben, whose background is as an ecological consultant, said his blended family allowed him to do work to understand himself as a man, partner and father. After working through what he called the privileges that come with being a man in society, he was motivated to use his own experience to become Canada’s first certified forest therapy guide.
“The modern man is really good at doing,” he said. “He needs more work on holding, planning and being. A lot of that comes down to presence.”
Ben said in his own life, with kids ranging from 20 to 28, he has used different techniques from yoga to breathing exercises to be more present with his family. The hardest thing he thinks for fathers is not always reacting quickly.
“By not being on all the time you have a little more patience,” he said. “Having a much longer fuse and just holding it is really the important thing. The end result is ‘right action’ – doing the right thing at the right time and right place. If you can have the wherewithal to hold the reaction, you can observe and follow.”
His goal for fathers is to make them more aware of what they’re doing and how their reacting. He wants this to bring them greater clarity and he’s written a guide called “The Right Action Man” to help. “I’d like men to stop and resonate more deeply,” he said.
Powerful stuff. Thank you, Ben and welcome to The Company of Dads.