I read an illustrated Op-Ed in The New York Times this weekend that had the provocative title “I Quit the Patriarchy and Rescued My Marriage.” Its solution was spot on.
I end many talks with the call to OH! It stands for Openness and Honesty. At home, at work, with your spouse, with your manager, with your friends, with those people at the playground and the awful person who announced at the meat counter this weekend that I was a line cutter! (I most certainly am not a line cutter and made it clear that I was going to order my chicken and breakfast sausage first.) Be open, be honest.
That’s what Liana Finck’s piece gets to so perfectly. You might start out accepting the extra jobs you’re doing at home because it’s just easier to them. One or two is no big deal, but 15 or 20 is.
Acceptance leads to resentment and that creates distance. Instead, try to understand what’s going on and then – radical thought here – have a conversation around what’s being done by whom and why. At a non-confrontational time. We have a simple technique at The Company of Dads called the Paper Test to figure this out. And then start to make the changes that can be made and understand why others cannot or should not.
Finck doesn’t venture into the office, but the same rule of OH applies there, too. If you accept that parenting is gendered, that there are certain calls or appointments that moms must do and dads cannot do, then you’re stuck. You’re not embracing OH because accepting those things just is not true, whatever your manager may think. Women can carry a child and give birth and they can breast feed; nothing else around parenting is gendered. Apply that same Paper Test. What are you doing and why? Put the answers as questions to your manager. If you’re a father, step up and out as a Lead Dad. Trust me: going to the pediatrician is a great bonding time with your child.
The key image in this graphic op-ed comes near the end: it’s two crossing arrows, labeled “Your truth” and “His truth”. There’s at least a point of intersection. A few panels later, those arrows are flying in the same direction. That’s the goal.
At The Company of Dads, our goal is to help families fulfill their full potential at companies and in the community. We do this in two ways: by supporting men who are Lead Dads at home with content and community and by working with companies through key-note talks and manager training to make small changes that have an outsized impact.
