A senior female executive who I admire deeply asked me an honest, almost earnest question that made me feel deeply awkward: “Do Lead Dads play golf, too?”
Her husband, also an executive, was not a Lead Dad. She was a do-it-all mom and he evidently disappeared for a lot of golf.
The implication to me was something akin to: Event Dads take golf/fishing/buddies trips with impunity, even to the frustration of their working mom wives. Can Lead Dads do that, too, or is some switch flipped in their soul that shuts off the male desire to golf/fish, talk nonsense, drink too much, stay up too late, and bond with other men over a shared hobby – which in most cases is just an excuse to reconnect?
In the moment, I cracked a joke and moved on. But I thought a lot about her question last week when I went on a three-day golf trip to South Carolina.
What was different in taking this trip as Lead Dad? Did I prepare differently than an Event Dad might so everything coasted along without me? I believe I did. I also believe what I did could help other Lead Dads and Working Moms have more productive conversations around each other’s self-care.
1) Before committing to the trip, I made sure we had no family commitments around the days I’d be gone.
2) I talked to my wife about it two months in advance and got her buy in.
3) I arranged people to drive our kids to/from school.
4) I moved any appointments our kids had that weren’t essential.
5) I came up with meal plans for the two school nights I’d be away.
And then, I went. My wife ended up taking our girls to see a Broadway show, which filled the day and gave everyone something to do while Dad was having fun. (And yes, I had fun.)
When I got back late at night, I went to bed and got up to work like it was any other day. That meant absolutely maximizing the plane time to keep up on work so I wouldn’t come back, be behind, and complain! (No one wants to hear complaints after a fun trip.)
Still, the very question about what Lead Dads get to do touches on the three qualities a Lead Dad needs if he’s going to help his family fulfill its full potential.
The No 1 skill a Lead Dad has is organization.
No 2 is empathy.
No 3 is a sense of humor, though that could be 3 through 10. Someone at some time is going to say something that calls into question your masculinity. Sure, it could be an Event Dad, fresh from a week of work travel before he’s headed out to fish in Alaska. It could be a playground parent, who asks for your wife’s cellphone to set up a playdate. It could be so many school and doctors’ office folks who refuse to call dad first! Humor helps – and so does the occasional golf trip! 🏌♂️
