This is going to be a Father’s Day like no other.
It’s the first one since I became a father that my father won’t be here.
He died, unexpectedly, on Easter. It was just three months after my father-in-law died died after a two-year illness. There’s a huge void this Father’s Day.
I’m the only dad.
My feelings around this are complicated.
My own father was an amazing grandfather. He was always present for his granddaughters and would drop anything for them; he was a huge help to us. He wasn’t perfect. He made some suspect choices around what our kids could and could not do, which was frustrating since he was here every week. But he was around more than most grandparents and that counted.
As a father, he was less present. My maternal grandfather played a huge role in my life until he died when I was 27. But he was more of a guide to me as a young man. It never would have dawned on me to ask him for tips on being a father.
I’m confident as a dad. I think a lot about the responsibility of the role, and I work to improve when I make a mistake. I listen, and when I talk when I should be listening, I apologize. I take nothing for granted. I work to be present and fight not to be distracted. I enjoy being a dad.
Still, this Father’s Day will be different. There are no more grandfathers. And one of my daughters is at a summer program and won’t be home. I’ve got a great day in mind for the two who are here, but it’s still going to be a completely uncharted Father’s Day.
It’s a before and after moment in life, like marriage, the birth of your first child, high school and college graduation. The difference is it’s not one to celebrate or look forward to. It’s one for reflection, and, I hope, not too much sadness.
As a father, I’ve tried to chart my own path. I’ve tried to focus intently on listening and being present.
I also marveled at how my father became to my girls what my grandfather was to me. I never asked him for much advice around being a dad. It was complicated. But it was always nice knowing that he was there, every week and of course, every Father’s Day.
I’d love to hear thoughts from other fathers whose own fathers have passed. Please email me.
And let’s not forget: Happy Father’s Day. Enjoy it with as much family as you can.
