What’s the best way to get both partners, parents, spouses involved at home and open about what they’re doing in the office?
I shared some of my thoughts recently when I was interviewed for The Washington Post. It’s easier and harder to achieve than you’d think.
The WaPo piece, ‘Weaponized incompetence’ can harm relationships. Here’s how to counter it,’ led with a hackles-raising phrase in the headline.
It gets defined by the author Jelena Kecmanovic, a psychologist, as “when a person sidesteps responsibilities by acting unable or unsure how to handle a task, by delaying or doing it poorly.”
Dogging it. Gaslighting. Just plain being uninterested in something they could do. It’s frustrating and leads to resentment.
There’s lots of great ideas in the piece from people whose work I know and respect, like Corinne Low, Kate Mangino and Brian Page.
There are systemic forces – and assumptions – arranged against parents who buck the norm that leads to people sliding into ‘incompetence’. I say as much in the piece.
“These gender norms are further reinforced by our institutions,” said Paul Sullivan, founder of the Company of Dads, a media company and community platform aimed at men who are the go-to parents in their families. “For example, when you provide a school with your contact information and emphasize that the dad should be contacted first, they’ll still call the mom nine out of 10 times.”
But just because the school nurse keeps calling mom and not dad is no reason to give up and not push for change.
I give some hope for frustrated couples: “As long as you’ve married someone who’s a reasonable human being, you should both be able to do the same tasks, even if they are done in a different way.”
But there’s one thing, I believe, that really unites couples and rids relationships of ‘weaponized incompetence’: it’s a sense of being players on a team, whatever your position.
And by team I don’t mean in the cliché business school / corporate retreat sense of being team players.
I mean the actual, literal way of playing on a team, having a position, and a set of defined goals you have to fulfill. The goalie stops the ball or puck – and then clears it to another teammate. The center hikes the ball to the holder who puts it in place for the kicker. The pitcher hurls the ball past the batter to the catcher. The point guard directs the plays – while the small forward gets open.
Being great at your position takes a lot of work and learning.
Where do you start? On our website we have guidebooks that help with this. It makes great weekend work: get everyone thinking of what position they play on the team and instill ownership in that.
The WaPo piece ends hopefully: “Sullivan regularly speaks with men who are taking deliberate steps to be more engaged fathers than the ones they grew up with. These families are investing now in the long-term happiness and health of their relationships. Yours can be one of them.”
