Not a lot of guys grow up thinking they’re going to be Lead Dads. Athletes, Lawyers, Tech Bros, sure. But Lead Dads?
Elliot Haspel, our Lead Dad of the Week from Denver, was no different. Coming out of Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, he was revving to go. “I was one of those guys in my early 20s who said, ‘I don’t think I want kids. I don’t want to get married. It’s too much responsibility’,” he said. “At the same time my professional work was around education.”
When he and his wife Melissa got married in 2012, his research has shifted to childcare. As he put it, “Some teachers are helping kids beat the odds. But few are trying to change the odds.” He wanted to improve the odds.
When their first daughter was born in 2015, his wife was going to pause her career to care for her. Soon after, she was pregnant with their second child, but early into that pregnancy, a brain tumor was discovered.
“Turns out you can have brain surgery 15-weeks pregnant,” Elliot said. “She carried our daughter to term, then she started chemo and radiation after she was born. That’s when I stepped into being a Lead Dad.”
In that situation, he just did it. But as his wife improved, he got new perspective on the role. He enjoyed being the go-to parent.
What helped him get through the early part? His employer, where he was doing policy analysis, was understanding. A coworker connected him with a childcare facility that could take his children on a modified schedule. He availed himself of counseling services. He had support.
“A lot of the Lead Dad skills – I was forced into because of the crucible of the crisis,” he said. But he also credits being more mature and understanding how to step into the role. “There are times in life where there’s something to be said for being thrown in the deep end and you have to swim.”
When Elliot looks back on his younger self – a newly minted 4th grade teacher not inclined to commitment – he understands the system that molds young man with assumptions that may not stand up to the reality of life.
Today, as a senior fellow at Capita, a think-tank focused on childcare, he has advice for that younger version of himself: “Run toward support systems,” he said. “Do not try to muscle this out on your own – that’s the message we get as guys.”
And after that, take the long view. “In the sense that there’s deeper meaning to all of this,” he said. “These experiences did help me grow.”
Welcome, Elliot, to The Company of Dads.
