Here’s a story many couples know: Two careers on the fast track and then there’s a child. There’s some logistics with pick up and drop off but it all seems manageable, if expensive, and life keeps moving along.
Then another child comes along and managing two kids and two careers becomes a juggle. Bigger opportunities present themselves for one at work, possibly a greater in-office commitment for the other. Spare time evaporates.
In 46 percent of married couples in the United States, both spouses work. The struggle of the juggle is real to them. Jay Lee, a financial adviser and our Lead Dad of the Week from Jersey City, NJ, and his wife Margaret, a fintech entrepreneur, were just like this.
Then Jay did something that too many couples don’t do until frustration builds up: He began to talk openly about how they were going to manage so many things before it got to a point where they were arguing about the overwhelming mental load of being a working parent.
“The important thing is we communicated this up front,” said Jay, founder of Ballaster Financial, which works with professionals on tax and financial planning. “I say one of the best diffusors of arguments is to talk about it up front. If it doesn’t get communicated, arguments happen. We’re continually trying to get better at it.”
More so, they know their communication styles are different – he’s an extrovert, she’s more reserved. But they’ve supported each other.
The couple has two boys, 6 and 3. His wife’s hours, in the startup world, have always been more than his, so stepping into the Lead Dad role seemed natural. A year ago, his wife got a new job that required her to commute into the city four days a week and that cemented his role as the go-to parent.
“I fell into this accidentally,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to be the Lead Dad. It was because I launched my business and that meant I took on more responsibilities. I feel like everyone is busy, working, having dual income households where both parents are working. It’s tough to have present time with your kids. That’s the blessing in disguise. I don’t have a commute. I walk 10 min to pick up my kids at school.”
And he remembers how his own parents, immigrants from Korea, worked incredibly long hours and couldn’t be present even if they wanted to.
“There are challenging parts,” he said. “It’s losing that freedom. Work and personal needs – that never stops. But I remind myself it’s a blessing.”
Welcome, Jay, to The Company of Dads.
