As all mothers know, and most children have to be reminded, Father’s Day is celebrated every year on the third Sunday of June. To be clear, I think Father’s Day is a great idea. But I’ve got a few issues with this holiday that I’d like to be entered into the record.
First of all, I’m not crazy about having to share the 15th with other holidays. As I’m sure everyone’s aware, it also happens to mark the first day of Carpenter Ant Awareness Week*, an important annual reminder to find and destroy carpenter ant nests in order to prevent hundreds – if not more than hundreds of dollars – of damage to your attic that you never would have known about anyway. Father’s Day doesn’t need that level of competition.
*The fact that carpenter ants get a whole week is a bit of a kick in the ass, but whaddya gonna do?
Second, it’s the gifts.
Most people suck at giving them.
“Oh, I’m just terrible at gift giving!” they’ll say while forcing a furrowed brow. (Note: What those people are actually terrible at is paying attention when you tell them you like something but then don’t buy it yourself.)
Or worse, they’ll put the blame on you.
“You’re impossible to shop for!”
“My bad. Sorry. Why don’t you just take the day off, and I’ll go buy myself that Scotty Cameron Newport 2 GSS putter I show you literally every time we go to the mall.”
Here are a few other ideas for things I actually want for Father’s Day.
Not to have to go to the mall.
For whoever controls this sort of thing (some muckety-muck at Hallmark is my guess) please change the date. This is a bit of a personal grievance since my birthday is also in June. But so are graduations, proms, and the aforementioned Carpenter Ant Awareness Week. (The whole f-ing week!) May I suggest every Sunday in October. Especially if I’m gonna pull the trigger on that $500 Scotty Cameron.
No exaggerated eyerolls for at least a week. This goes for every member of my family, but my teenage daughter knows who I’m really talking to.
A tie with a gift receipt.
For my “dad bod” to suddenly be a “rad bod.” (I’m pretty sure this is on mommy’s list as well.)
AirTags for the 17 pairs of reading glasses I misplace every day.
A cast iron potato baker. (I could easily do without this, but I saw it on some weird website and it looked pretty cool.)
An alarm that doesn’t work on weekends.
And finally…
A Scotty Cameron Newport 2 GSS putter.
How many times do I have to pretend I’m not asking?
